Did you hear the one about the actor, the comedian and the novelist? Mark Billingham Interview

Billingham dressed to kill Pic by Donna-Lisa Healy.

Did you hear the one about the actor, the comedian and the novelist?

Well, they're all the same man! Boom Boom!!

Not much of a punchline granted, not even a punchline, but it's the best I could come up with after weeks of footie fatigue; the World Cup being in full swing. And although it might be inane it is fitting to precede our interview with bestselling crime/thriller writer Mark Billingham. 

Billingham, born in Solihull, grew up in Birmingham and spent most of his formative years there. After leaving university, with a degree in drama, he remained in Birmingham and helped set up Bread and Circuses, a socialist theatre company, and after several years of touring shows he left for the bright lights of London to pursue a career as a jobbing actor. It was now the 1980's and Billingham saw himself taking small parts in shows like Dempsey and Makepeace, The Bill and Juliet Bravo. His best known role was as Gary, the dim witted guard employed by the Sheriff of Nottingham in the successful children's series, Maid Marion and her Merry Men.

Billingham though soon grew tired of acting, feeling that the  secret for success was largely based on how an actor looked rather than talent  -' I seemed to be offered bad guy roles such as a soccer hooligan, drug addict, a nasty copper, a racist copper or a bent copper' - and he instead opted to concentrate on stand up comedy. Staring out with 5 - 10 minute unpaid open mic sessions, he soon moved onto 30 minute paid slots, and from there he found himself headlining gigs at the prestigious Comedy Store. 

' Back then it was fairly easy to get into,' Billingham says of his stand up comedy career.  'You'd go to a couple of clubs and do what are called 'Try-outs' which are unpaid spots. You got five minutes, and if you did well that progressed into 10 minutes, and then 20 to 30 minute paid slots. But now it is really big business, and there are big chains of Comedy Clubs. I feel sorry for young comics of 18 or 19 today, as it is so tough now. It's a lot tougher now than it used to be.'

Despite his success as a stand up comedian though, Billingham's first love was writing, something he had been doing since an early age and although his first attempt at a novel, the Birmingham set Mechanic (as yet unpublished), which was a comic crime thriller that he abandoned before completion, the writing bug had bitten.  He loved reading crime novels and so he decided to concentrate on a straight forward crime novel. This would become Sleepyhead - the 2001 novel that all but make him an instant

bestseller. 

Sleepyhead is a serial killer thriller with a truly ingenious twist, since if a victim dies the killer considers this a failure. He's not trying to kill his victims but rather to induce a permanent catatonic state through the skillful manipulation of nerves and pressure points - it's called Locked In Syndrome or pseudocoma, a condition in which a patient is aware but cannot move or communicate verbally due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles except for vertical eye movements and blinking.

The thriller introduced us to hard living, country music loving, Detective Inspector Tom Thorne and readers instantly took to this new cop on the fictional crime landscape. Despite his rather dodgy musical taste, the reading public loved him and this past month saw the publication of The Killing Habit, the fifteenth book in the Tom Thone series.

TAINTED ARCHIVE: So after so many books featuring the same group of characters, I wonder if the author found it difficult to maintain reader interest. Is it actually easier now that the readers are so familiar with Thorne's universe or is it harder to keep them interested?

MARK BILLINGHAM: I suppose it's a little of both. The tricky part is writing a book in the series which honours those readers who have followed the Thorne novels since the start, while not alienating those who may not have read any of them. It's a tough balance to get right. There SHOULD be pressure, because unless you're always trying to write a better book than you did last time, you really should not be bothering. You certainly cannot take reader familiarity for granted...


TA: A particular strength in the Thorne series are the secondary characters - Tanner, Hendricks, Helen etc. In some way there's something of a soap opera vibe to series fiction in the way that the private lives of character that make up the fictional universe come and go. How to do you keep track of everything that is going on with such a large cast of recurring characters? Is there a series bible for instance?

MB: No, there's no such thing as a bible when it comes to my fictional world. It was a choice I made early on, specifically for Thorne, that I would not lay everything out or know everything about him and the same goes for Phil, Helen and the rest. This can cause problems of course, the most obvious one being that I forget stuff. But I think it's the right way to go in the long run, because it means that the characters can stay unpredictable. If they're surprising me then they have more chance of surprising the reader.

TA: to step away from Thorne for a moment - from time to time you write standalone thrillers. Are these a chance to rest from Thorne's world? Do they enable you to tackle subjects that may not work in a Thorne thriller? 

MB: That's absolutely right and it's a lesson I learned from writers like Michael Connelly. I think it's the best way - possibly the ONLY way - to keep a series from getting stale. You need to step away once in a while and do something else. That way, in theory at least, you can return to your series a year later fired up and ready to get back into it. While it's sometimes scary - and you ask yourself why you didn't just play safe and write another series novel - it's enormously liberating to leave your comfort zone. The standalones are among the favourites of all my novels and I'll certainly be doing some more. As you say, sometimes it's a story that simply has no room for a miserable north London copper... 



 TA: You are all over social media - often giving live Facebook broadcasts whilst wearing some pretty loud shirts, hosting the excellent Podcast A Stab in the Dark. How important is social media to the modern writer?

   
MB: Social media has, of course, become tremendously important, both to writers and publishers. On the down side, it can be a way for some publishers to do marketing and "publicity" on the cheap, but from a writer's point of view it's a fairly easy way to keep in touch with readers and fellow writers. To let people know what you're up to. Increasingly in recent years, writers have needed to sell themselves as much as their books, so a presence on social media has become pretty much compulsory. For those of us who are not averse to showing off, it's great, but it can also be an enormous time-suck, so I look at it as a treat that I need to earn. I get a chapter done, I can treat myself to 10 minutes on Twitter or whatever. the podcast was great fun and I hope we'll be recording some more very soon.




A STAB IN THE DARK PODCAST: I would urge fans of crime thrillers to check out the podcast - it can perhaps boast the finest line of big name guests of any podcast. Sofia Helfin, Mark Gattis, Michael Connelly, Belinda Bauer and Patricia Cornwell are just a few of the luminaries who have appeared recently. Find details HERE



TA: Given your knowledge of the genre, let's touch on other writers. Who do you particularly like? Are there any authors who you read as each book come out?


MB: There are SO many great writers out there at the moment. In terms of those writers whose early copies I scrounge from publishers it's all the usual suspects. Mick Herron is definitely one of those. His books are like crack! Same goes for Belinda Bauer, Martyn Waites, John Connolly, George Pelecanos, Laura Lippman, Michael Connelly, Steve Cavanagh, Susie Steiner, loads more that I've forgotten and, of course, all my band-mates from the Fun Lovin' Crime Writers. I'm only in that band so I can hang out with them.

THE FUN LOVING CRIME WRITERS:  The band, genre fiction's answer to John, Paul, George and Ringo are Mark Billingham, Val McDermid, Chris Brookmyre,  Stuart Neville, Luca Veste and Doug Johnstone, and they regularly appear at festivals and - in their own words: murder songs for fun. 

 This month they will be appearing at the Harrogate Crime Festival and later this year they will be appearing at Bloody Scotland, the highland's own international crime writing festival.


 


 
TA: Along the same lines - what are your influences?
  

MB: There are so many influences. When I was a student I read all the classic US authors - Hammett, Chandler, McDonald, and then later those writers who were shaking things up in their wake - Burke, Ellroy. Before I'd written a word I'd read pretty much everything by the likes of Connelly, Pelecanos, McDermid, Rankin and Harvey, and I still do. It tickles me constantly that all those writers are now my friends. I think I was as influenced by TV and film as much as by anything I read.


TA: The crime/thriller genre in itself is in rude health with some great stuff out there. And it is so fluid - I recently listened with great interest in you chat with John Connolly in which he stated that setting does not define a crime novel. He used a hypothetical crime story set in the old west as his example and I think I agree with him. Another case in point is Brookmyre's Places in the Darkness being taken for SF. I guess what I'm trying to ask is are there genre boundaries that can't be crossed without a work transforming into an entirely different genre? Are there firm and hard rules to the crime genre? Your thoughts on this please.

MB: I really enjoyed that chat with John, who is another writer whose stuff I will try and read as early as possible. I agree that the genre is in great shape and I really don't believe it has boundaries. There are certain conventions and I think you'd be foolish to ignore all of them, but there really isn't anywhere you can't go. That said, if you're writing a crime novel that features wizards and dragons, then even though it might still BE a crime novel, it's also fantasy. Maybe mash-ups are the way forward.


TA: Let's get onto your own writing - your work habits?   

MB: I don't really have work habits. I write a book every year, so there are obviously certain things I have to do, but it's not a 9-5 job. If I'm on the road promoting a book that's just come out, I won't be writing the current one. I can't do both things at the same time. I need my office, my desk, my things. When I AM working, it's usually done at night. I TRY to write during the day but I'm easily distracted, so it works best when emails aren't arriving and Twitter has gone quiet. On top of that, I think it suits the kind of stuff I'm writing if I can look out of the window and see only darkness. 

TA: And back to Thorne - what are the chances of him returning to TV?


MB: The notion of bringing Thorne back to TV surfaces every six months or so and there has been plenty of interest, but nothing's going to be happening very soon. Mind you, in television nothing EVER happens very soon. Rush Of Blood is still in development and I'm working on something original for TV, but 99% of all my energy and attention is focused on the books. Oh, and the band of fellow crime-writers I sing and play guitar with. 


 THORNE TV SERIES: The series debuted on Sky 1 in October 2010 with David Morrisey in the title role. Despite considerable success the series has yet to return.



TA: Finally, will be ever see the return of Nicklin? If Thorne is Holmes then he is his Moriarty, and the character is a huge hit with readers. So will our favorite psycho come back?


MB: Ha! I get asked this a lot. Nothing is certain, but the book that will come out in 2020 will be my twentieth novel and will mean 20 years of Thorne. If I WAS going to bring Nicklin back - for one last appearance - that would probably be the time. But I won't do it unless I have an idea that really works...



FIND MARK BILLINGHAM HERE
FUN LOVING CRIME WRITERS HERE

   

Granny Smith

There are four books so far in the Granny Smith series, with another due later this year. All are very cheaply priced on the Kindle - there is also a very entertaining audiobook of the first Granny Smith novel available from Audible.

Why not check out the senior sleuth.

WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING:

It had been a while since I have read the likes of the character Miss Marple from Agatha Christie. Now Granny Smith has fulfilled that void in my reading life. Granny Smith is not exactly old,  but irrespective of that, everyone has been calling her Granny. She is a young at heart woman who has a trait to be curious about everything that is happening around her. So when her friend Sheila gets engaged to Nigel, who is younger than her, Granny Smith gets suspicious. The following murder in the town makes Granny even more curious and on she follows the cluesr, much to the chagrin of Detective Inspector Miskins.  AMAZON FIVE STAR REVIEW





Let's dispel one misapprehension, okay? Granny Smith is nothing like Miss Marple and G.M. Dobbs is nothing like Agatha Christie. Having said that, this is fun to read. The Welsh elements, the humour, the familiar characters and a well-developed plot combine to produce a better than average cozy mystery. What more could you ask for? Apart from the next in the series? AMAZON FOUR STARS


I was brought up on Miss Marple. I loved the idea of an old lady solving cases through sheer nosiness and this is a modern day version.
It starts with a murder at the Village Fete. Unfortunately for the murder, she happens to be Granny Smith's next door neighbour and when the poor husband of the victim is arrested, Granny Smith leaps on her bike into action. With a surveillance team comprising of long suffering husband and gay son, she is on the case!!
A lovely easy read and a good plot- a real winner :) AMAZON FIVE STAR REVIEW



 downloaded this book and couldnt put it down its brilliant granny smith is a no nonsense lady that has an way of getting to the truth which is sheer brilliance she really is miss marple on steroids cant wait for the next book in the series. Amazon five star review

The eccentric Welsh pensioner gets her teeth (usually gripping a corn-cob pipe) into solving the mysterious murder of a friend in the village. Despite being ignored and warned off by the police, she persists. This delightful short story makes great family reading with plenty of humour. I can just imagine a nice TV comedy series from this. 

Amazon five star review

Full Terror Alert

Book Review - Wilt by Tom Sharpe

First published 1976
Version read: Kindle edition

I first read this book many many years ago when I was in my mid-teens, and I remember loving it. I decided to revisit it as an adult but was slightly dubious. Would it be as good as I remembered?

 To be honest it was even better - most of the humour is broad enough for even a teenage reader to enjoy but there's a sophistication here that must have gone over my head years ago. I think with this re-reading I got more out the book. It had me laughing like a loon several times and my heart was totally taken by Henry Wilt, the downtrodden everyman who manages to stand up to and best the establishment after a comical series of events culminate in him being arrested for a murder he didn't commit.

 Several scenes are genuinely side-splitting - the section where the inflatable doll (with a vagina!) is pulled from the concrete filled tomb had me roaring and I had to look around several times in embarresment. I was reading the book while parked up in Tesco's carpark and people passing must have thought that I had lost my mind as I sat there  screaming with uncontrollable laughter. The highlight of the book for me, were the interrogation scenes between Henry Wilt and the non nonsense policeman, Inspector Flint. These scenes are a masterclass in comedic writing and are among the best written comedy I have ever read. Inspector Flint starts out in control but gradually Wilt turns the tables, and it is the policeman who ends up being worn down as the tables are turned on his interrigation. In face Wilt takes strength from the constant police attacks and even drives a psychiatrst ,called in to examine him, to the brink of madness. The Wilt character may belong to the middle classes of the times but he comes across as a true working class hero in his dealings with the pomposity of the establishment.

How could I pick fault with this book when it is just so entertaining? Of course modern readers may find it a little misogynistic and while some of the attitudes expressed in these pages may belong firmly to the era in which the book was written, to condemn it for these reasons would be a mistake. Eve Wilt is painted as a truly formidable character. So much so that the reader can empathise with her husband's murderous intentions towards her, and at no point does she feel like an helpless victim. Quite the contrary it is her husband, Henry who comes across as the victim. He is just a passive personality who bumbles his way through the book, while events befall him that will result in him regaining - no not regaining but  discovering his manhood for the first time, and coming out very much on top.

At the end of the book both Henry and Eve Wilt have undergone a transformation and this reader was left with split sides and an urge for more Henry Wilt.

Hugely entertaining...

DON'T PANIC, DON'T PANIC....it may actually be OK

The Old and the New

My first thought was, Oh My God, this can't be true...

 I mean come on this is almost as bad as casting Tom Cruise as a tall, muscular ex - military policeman who gets into all kinds of scrapes, but you never know it could turn out OK.


Not you though Tom, you'll never be OK  and you've really Reachered too far. I'd rather watch paint dry. Shit, I'd even sit through a Bon Jovi concert before watching you mutilate Lee Childs.

Jones now and the original

 I'm talking about the fact that there is to be a big screen movie version of the iconic British sit-com, Dad's Army  - and now the movie's received a boost with the news that it will be distributed by Universal. The film starts shooting this month and there is excitement at the seemingly superb casting. Arthur Lowe and John Le Mesurier were flawless as Captain Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson and the actors chosen to reprise the iconic roles are enticing - Toby Jones as Mainwaring and Bill Nighy as Wilson. Both are excellent actors and have both the look and mannerisms of the originals. Tom Courtney as Corporal Jones also seems like perfect casting. All in all this film is looking more and more like it may something worth watching.

Perfect casting aside the new film has a lot to live up to.

Dad's Army ran on the BBC from 1968 to 1977 is widely considered to a classic of British TV. For many people, myself included, it is the NO 1 all time sit-com. For me it even beats Falty Towers in the LPM stakes - that's laughs per minute.Telling the story of a team of home guard volunteers, the show ran for nine seasons and also produced a spin off big screen movie, as well as a radio series and several stage plays.

 So popular was the series that in June 2010, a statue (pictured) of Captain George Mainwaring was erected in the Norfolk town of Thetford where most of the TV series  was filmed. The statue features Captain Mainwaring sitting to attention on a simple bench in Home Guard uniform, with his swagger stick across his knees. The statue is mounted at the end of winding brick pathway with a Union Flag patterned arrow head to reflect the opening credits of the TV series, and the sculpture has been designed so that members of the public can sit alongside Captain Mainwaring for the purpose of having their photo taken.


Originally intended to be called The Fighting Tigers, Dad’s Army was based partly on co-writer and creator Jimmy Perry’s real-life experiences in the  Home Guard. Perry had been 17 years old when he joined the 10th Hertfordshire Battalion and with a mother who did not like him being out at night and fearing he might catch cold. Thus, he bore more than a passing resemblance to Whisky Galore!, and the work of comedians such as Will Hay whose film Oh, Mr Porter! featured a pompous ass, an old man and a young man which gave him Mainwaring, Godfrey and Pike.

the character of Frank Pike. An elderly lance corporal in the outfit often referred to fighting under Kitchener against the "Fuzzy Wuzzies"  and proved to be a perfect model for Jones as played by the wonderful Clive Dunn. Other influences were the film Whisky Galore!, and the work of comedians such as Will Hay whose film Oh, Mr Porter! featured a pompous ass, an old man and a young man which gave him Mainwaring, Godfrey and Pike.

The new film comes from a script by Hamish McColl and will be directed by Oliver Parker who recently scored hits with the new St. Trinian's movies.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this one, and I'm starting to feel that this one could be a hit. After all as a franchise Dad's Army is perfectly suited to the big screen. Back in the day a lot of Brit Sit-coms had spin off movies made and the Dad's Army movie was one of the better big screen outings for small screen sitcoms.

Ahh well, only time will tell.

Below, courtesy of You Tube, are some of Dad's Army's best moments

Writing Class Hero

It is an odd truism but a truism nonetheless that the best art is often hidden away, known only by an enlightened few - such is the case with Radio 4's Ed Reardon's Week.

 The painfully honest sitcom is presented in a semi documentary style and concentrates on 50 something struggling author Ed Reardon - described in the press material as   "author, pipesmoker, consummate fare-dodger and master of the abusive email".  Much is often made of the fact that Reardon once sold a script to the BBC for Tenko which provides him with his only guaranteed income and that's only about £17 per annum. Our hero often adds to his income by getting paid £10 for making up the numbers in police identity parades.

The writers are Chris Douglas and Andrew Nickolds and the show is currently up to eight seasons with no sign of running out of steam. Indeed as the time's gone on the listener gets to know Ed better and finds real affection for the character as well as the cat, Elgar who is his only constant companion. The humour is mostly subtle but can often be laugh out loud funny - that's LOL for the Internet generation.

I's a big fan of radio, especially Radio Four and it's digital sister, Radio Four Extra and listen to a lot of drama, comedy and factual programs. And in my opinion, for what it's worth, is that Ed Reardon's Week is the best use of the radio medium for comedy since the original Alan Partridge show, Knowing Me, Knowing You. And whilst Partridge made a successful transition to TV Ed Reardon remains hidden away on the radio and perhaps this is where he truly belongs. The visuals are better that way.

If you like well written, well acted, superbly observational comedy than you really need to check out Ed Readon's Week.

The Funny business

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hung forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought - I must put a roof on this lavatory.   Les Dawson

Would be comedy writers are being sought by the BBC, so if you think you can come up with lines like the classic above then visit the BBC's Writer's Room for submission guidelines.

I needed a password eight characters long and so I used Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nick Helm

Keep Em' Laughing - Top Five 1970's UK sitcoms and the white dog shit mystery

Back in the 1970's TV was a truly interactive experience - this was during the time when the only thing you plugged into the back of the set was an antenna. That antenna often acted as an interface between viewer and show when the only way to get a picture was for some unfortunate family member to stand in an awkward position while holding the antenna out, thrusting it upwards. One movement of the limbs would cause the picture to fade out, which would result in cushions being hurled at the antenna holder. Other problems were waiting for the set to warm up and having the picture ghost over whenever anyone walked past to make a cup of tea - if you weren't constantly drinking tea during the 70's, you were probably a weirdo with a beard, glasses and far too many polyester suits.

I know why this dissapeared

It was a different world back then - a time of white dog shit on the pavements, three day strikes, platform shoes, flared trousers, Ford Cortina's and cheap toys made in Hong Kong which would frequently choke any child foolish enough to stick their new plastic toy into their mouth. And as Linda Lovelace can testify the 70's was the decade of sticking things in your mouth. And before we go on, I actually know what happened to white dog shit, but that's something for another day.The 1970's were perhaps TV's greatest decade - sets had found their way into  91% of UK homes, colour had been introduced and there was no competition from video recorders, computer games or that new fangled Internet thingie. Consequently any TV show that was a hit would attract viewing figures that are astronomical by modern standards.

The 1970's was a decade of paradoxes - one of the coolest inventions of this decade was the digital watch and yet it was created by a man with a very uncool name - no not Elton John, but Wally Crabtree, - I kid you not!

But I digress, here are my choices for the top five TV sitcoms of the 1970's, and only show that originated in the 1970's are included, thus no Steptoe and Son or Dad's Army which were very popular during the decade.

5 - Citizen Smith - written by the late John Sullivan who would years later perfect the sitcom with Only Fools and Horses, this starred Robert Lindsey who these days is better known for his part in  the inexplicably popular, My Family. Lindsay portrayed the Trotskyite 'Tooting Popular Front' leader Wolfie Smith.

4-Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em - Basically this was vintage Hollywood slapstick reborn as British slapstick, complete with shaky sets. Bumbling Frank Spencer had it all - several catchphrases and a knack for getting involved in outlandish situations.

3- Rising Damp - Leonard Rossiter portrayed the creepy landlord Rigsby in, what must qualify as the best sitcom of the decade that wasn't made by the BBC. Rossiter's portrayal of the odd Rigsby was so real that if often made your skin crawl.

2-Porridge - Ronnie Barker's best character is the working class theif, Fletcher. And the writing from Clement and Le Frenais is sparkling. The sitcom set in the confinements of a prison was essential viewing. And still is with the show racking up healthy DVD sales.

1-Fawlty Towers - What can be said? Two series, twelve episodes and each is absolutely brilliant. It is close to impossible to pick a favourite episode from the dozen made. There are so many iconic moments - don't mention the war, the Siberian Hamster, flogging a mini car, the list goes on and on. It is no hyperbole to state that Fawlty Towers is the absolute apogee of what can be achieved in the situation comedy form.

That's the last you see of that

AND - OK, you win. What happened to white dog shit? The disappearance of white dog doo dah's is down to what dogs eat these days.White dog shit is the calcium left behind as the water evaporates, and the 'organic' components of the crap are consumed  leaving the inorganic stuff behind. But nowadays dogs don't eat as much bone as they used to, including bone meal. Also, tighter regulation on dogs crapping on pavements means that turds don't hang around  in public places, George Michael excluded of course, like they used to, giving them less opportunity to dry out and turn white."

Keep Em' Laughing - Laurel and Hardy

Laurel and Hardy's made 106 films as a double act and out of their entire output it is the work they did for the Hal Roach studios that is their best remembered and most highly regarded. In their crumpled suits, bowler hats they are without a doubt the most recognisable comedy team in the history of screen comedy. They appeal across generations and are still popular today. Their particular blend of slapstick is truly timeless and hilariously funny.

The films they made for Hal Roach are available on DVD, both as separately and as a 21 disc box set. All of the classics are here - Sons of the Desert, Way out West, The Music Box, A Chump at Oxford, Brats to name but a few - most are available on the discs in two versions, one being the original and the other having undergone the colourisation process. The discs also contain a large amount of lesser known silents and shorts.

There is a full list of the entire contents of the DVD series HERE

 "Mr. Hardy told Mr. Laurel to meet him at the Southern Pacific Station Wednesday morning - So Mr. Laurel went to the Santa Fe on Thursday afternoon - "

Stan Laurel was the creative powerhouse behind the successful duo, but to dismiss Ollie as a mere stooge is to do the team a great disservice. Stan may have slaved away pefecting their routines, while Ollie prefered to spend time between takes on the golf course, but when they came together a magic happened and neither of them were as good seperately.

.

Keep em' Laughing - Dai Bando

THE LATE DAI BANDO

Seems to me that a blog is a place to write about one's passions and the Archive has always been eclectic in the subjects covered and so the coming week will see Comedy being a major theme, as I'm finding myself in the mood to write about the comedy that has touched me over the years.

I've done a bit of stand up comedy myself and until a few years ago I was regularly gigging, but the type of venues I played have been disappearing for some time now and comedy has suffered more than most from the bland march of political correctness - or at least the type of comedy I performed has. I used to perform under the name Dai Bando and my routine was a mixture of gags, many of them blue as well as observationial stuff. The latter I used to love writing and feel that I developed skills that have since served me well as a novelist.

I used to use a lot of material that relied on racial stereotypes, but there was nothing hateful in the routine, instead humour was used to explore race and, I hope, demonstrate that we're all the same beneath the skin. Nothing was intended to hurt and I'm of the opinion that racial jokes are fine as long as it's good natured. British Comedy has a long tradition of humour defined by race as well as gender with the kitchen sink thrown in for good measure. I suppose Dai Bando was a mixture of Bill Hicks, Tony Hancock, Woody Allen and Tommy Trinder.

"There was a Welshman, and Englishman and a Irishman..."

"My mother-in-law's so fat then when you take her knickers down her arse is still in them."

Stand up comedy is a difficult art to learn and often dangerous to perform, as I know only too well. I still remember performing several years ago in Tonypandy. when a heckler didn't like my come backs to his insults - he promptly jumped up on stage and with one well aimed fist, knocked me out cold. To add insult to injury the biggest laugh I got that night was when the bruiser knocked me out - the audience apparently thought it was part of the show and found it the funniest thing ever. Comedians getting their noses broken always goes down well in the Rhondda Valleys.

And so it wasn't too long after that event that Dai Bando left the rat race of live comedy  - my props (an inflatable sheep, a funny hat and a microphone shaped like a penis) were packed away and Dai Bando walked off into the comedy sunset.

Will he ever return?

Well, every now and then I feel an itch that need to be scratched as the urge to take to the stage  makes itself felt. Thus far I've not given into it and Dai Bando remains in retirementnever say never.

Next: Laurel and Hardy

Wilt in Nowhere by Tom Sharpe

Wilt in Nowhere
Tom Sharpe
Available in both print and eBook


There are many kinds of heroes - there are the strong silent types as personified by the characters John Wayne used to play, the good/bad guys like Han Solo and Batman, the suave action men such as James Bond and Simon Templar, and then there's, er - Henry Wilt. A true champion for our troubled times, a small man biting back at bureaucracy and the insanity of modern life.

This is the first Wilt novel in over twenty years and although not quite as laugh out loud funny as the original trilogy featuring the character, the book has a lot going for it. Wilt has not changed in the slightest since he's been away and nor has the world he inhabits - it's a kind of alternative seaside postcard Britain that Political Correctness completely bypassed. The  jokes are aimed at all the old targets - homosexuals, the ruling classes, Americans, psychiatrists, kinky politicians, liberals and any authority figure that happens to be at hand.

The British fascination with schoolboy innuendo is running through the DNA of this book.

One of the highlights of the first Wilt novel was the brilliantly written exchange between Wilt and his nemesis, the policeman Flint, and there are several exchanges between the two in this book, though Flint's funniest moments this time out are when he is confronted by Wilt's formidable wife, Eve. It's been some years since I've read the original Wilt novels but Flint's character seems to have mellowed over the years and now he even refers to Wilt rather fondly as, "Wilty", which, I must admit, I found rather off putting.

The plot sees Wilt getting out of a trip to America with his wife and four lovely daughters, and instead setting out alone on a walking holiday to rediscover the England of old. And as expected misunderstanding builds on misunderstanding and very soon chaos reins. Wilt finds himself up to his neck in trouble involving ferocious dogs, paedophiles, arson and bondage gear while his wife is being investigated by the drug enforcement agency while his children are causing an international incident in the USA.

There are several stand out moments where it's difficult not to laugh out loud, and the book moves at a ferocious speed so that the reader doesn't get a chance to reflect on the absurdity of it all. If you liked the original Wilt novels and have missed Tom Sharpe then this book will be a treat - true it's not quite as funny as the classic originals, but it's still a great read and highly recommended to anyone who fancies a good comedy.

The Bando bounces back

Warning: Post contains blue comedy..ha ha, ha ha. Haha.

It was dark backstage and strangely it seemed as if it would be even darker when I swished through the curtains and took to the battlefield. It's been over two years since I last did a stand up gig and now thanks to a friend I'm the third act at a charity fund-raiser at the Buff-Club.

I was worried I'd be rusty - and those worries were proved right. I had cartwheels in my stomach as I heard the MC say, "And now ladies and gentlemen, Dai Bando."

And then, there I was again, standing on a small stage, blank faces staring back at me. I looked into those faces, raised the mic to my mouth and said, "F**K O*F. That got the first laugh, admittedly only a small one but then I was off, rabbiting through a routine that contained something old and something new. I read the audience and knew the blue stuff would go down well and so I went through the routine about pulling a bird at Blackpool in the summer..." It was only when the fresh air hit me that I realised this was the biggest f***ing bird I'd ever seen. I took her knickers down and her arse was still in them. She asked if I'd taken precautions and I told her I'd tied my feet to a lamppost.."


From there it was senior citizen sex, politics (this went down better than I expected), the smoking ban, and of course Dai Bando's old favourite, the alluring qualities of the average Welsh sheep. It all went well and to think the last time I did a comedy gig I was knocked out cold by an irate punter. The only part of the show I was worried about was where I talked about the late great George Carling and then, as if I was a singer doing a cover version, I performed his excellent Modern Man monologue. The audience loved it. Oh and I also got to plug Tarnished Star and Arkansas Smith to end the show.


I know the show was video recorded by several people and I've been promised a disc of my fifteen minute slot. When I get it I'll post it here on the Archive.

Dai Bando is alive and well and looking for more gigs and sheep.

You've got to laugh

The Archive's been quiet this week - I've been filming long days for the forthcoming third series of Lark Rise to Candleford. However I am currently guest blogging over at Paul D. Brazil's place - check it out HERE