HOW TO EMULATE SHERLOCK HOLMES ON A LIMITED BUDGET

Held over from the Sherlock Holmes weekend, The Archive shows you how to emulate Sherlock Holmes on a limited budget.

A person can be whatever they want to be - that's the philosophy of the Tainted Archive. Reinvention of yourself is easy if you follow a few simple steps. From time to time The Archive will show you how to become someone else, or at least appear to do so. And so in this, the second of an irregular series, The Tainted Archive goes all self help and shows you how to become a man like Sherlock Holmes at the minimum cost.

The first step towards Sherlockdom is the presentation - it goes without saying that you will need the pipe and although a deerstalker is preferable a derby or flat cap will suffice. A cape is an optional extra and can easily be adapted from a table cloth.

Always prefix your close male friends names with "my dear" but not in a gay way; rather in an intellectually male way. And wives and girlfriends should be referred to as, "The Woman". Though to become a true Sherlock you must spurn all female company and embrace celibacy. You and your male companion can be affectionate but never go beyond the point of Victorian decency. Unless of course you are aiming for a post modern Holmes as Robert Downey then you are permitted to flirt and wrestle with your male companion. Indeed if the latter activities appeal then look out soon for our how to emulate Oscar Wilde lesson.

You must also develop a specific speech pattern - pepper every statement with exclamations, as if it has suddenly occurred to you in a flash of genius. Pace your room a lot, hands clasped behind your back while trails of smoke bellow out from your pipe. Every now and then you will have to feign being in a drug induced stupor - this can be achieved by watching videos of Sarah Palin for two hours daily which will eventually allow you total disinterest in your surroundings. For the truly authentic Holmes you can purchase cocaine from one of those Emo's or as they like to be called emotional children. These Emo kids are easy to recognise - Hitler haircuts, drainpipe trousers and lacerated arms. Remember to mix your cocaine in a seven per cent solution.