TV COPS WEEKEND - Guest, Paul Bishop

TV COPS VS. REALITY!
‘WHO LOVES ‘YA, BABY?’ ~ THEO KOJACK

Well, it certainly isn’t the writers of TV cop shows. They are more than willing to sacrifice realism for the sake of story. But who can blame them? After all, story is what television is all about – it’s an escape from reality. Still, there are some consistent aggravations that immediately snap the delicate suspension of disbelief between the writer and a viewer with actual law enforcement experience . . .

‘DON’T DO THE CRIME IF YOU CAN’T DO THE TIME’ ~ TONY BERRETTA

Time is a valuable commodity in any important criminal investigation. Apparently, it’s even more important when you have to tell a sixty minute story in forty-five minutes to make room for loud commercials.

I have to laugh when the crew of CSI-WHEREVER get DNA results back that solve their case during the course of one commercial break. In real life, DNA results take three to six weeks to be processed in non-priority cases and costs around $1,500 a pop. And, getting a DNA hit is not the end of an investigation – it is just a starting point. You still have to prove the identified person actually committed the crime with corroborating evidence.

In high priority cases, DNA results can be returned in about 72 hours. That’s how long it takes to run the actual tests. But to get your results back that quick will cost your department around $5,000 or more. Try talking a budget conscious captain into approving that expense . . .
‘PIXELS AIN’T PICTURES’ ~ ANONYMOUS PHOTO EXPERT

I beginning bashing my head into a wall any time a television detective takes his digital video or video tape to some anonymous boffin who then enhances the digital picture so the writing on a diploma/business card/matchbook way in the back can be clearly seen.

“What! No way!’ I shout at the television set, much to the consternation of my wife who is trying to enjoy the show.

Most video is crap to start with – old, reused again and again, VHS tapes from antiquated security systems, or low resolution digital video of dark parking lots with suspects in dark clothes who can be barely discerned. If the video is enlarged, there are never enough pixels to make anything in the foreground, let alone the background clear. You’re left guessing at blobs – is that a scar or a really ugly tattoo of . . . what? I can’t tell. And neither can any other real life detective.
‘JUST THE FACT’S, M’AM’ ~ JOE FRIDAY

Why is it that every time a cop or a detective slaps the cuffs on a suspect somebody tells him to, ‘Read him his rights.’ You don’t have to read the suspect his rights the second you arrest him – and it’s a bad idea. Only when a suspect is in custody and is going to be asked accusatory questions does he have to be read their rights in order for any statements to get into court. Not only that, you don’t actually have to read the Miranda admonition (their rights). I’ve given the Miranda admonition from memory for over thirty years and have never had a confession quashed in court. I’ve had confessions thrown out because of the suspect’s bruises, but never for violation of Miranda – just kidding – really.

If custody and the asking of accusatory questions don’t exist at the same time, you don’t have to advise a suspect of the Miranda warning – and, as I said before, it’s not a good idea. Once a suspect invokes the right to remain silent, that’s it, interview over.

Good detectives pick and choose the time to Mirandize a suspect so it is to the detective’s advantage. The detective wants/needs to get a waiver of Miranda, and to do so, you have to use a little finesse – and that isn’t when you’re slapping on the cuffs.
‘YOU’RE NICKED!’ ~ THE SWEENY

While invoking my British heritage, I once told a suspect he was ‘nicked’ and he had no idea what I was talking about. Slang and nomenclature don’t travel. West coast cops chase suspects – East coast cops chase perps. Major city police departments on the West coast are divided up into divisions or areas not precincts like major city departments in the eastern part of the country.

In real life, LAPD Deputy Chiefs do NOT investigate crimes like they do on The Closer – nor do they get to lateral in to a department like the main character on The Closer. Deputy Chiefs are appointed from the ranks by the Chief of Police and are paid big bucks to manage crime – actually investigating crime is beneath their pay grade.

Getting these things right is relatively easy and doesn’t affect plot points. It’s just lazy storytelling – and when it happens, I switch the channel. Obviously, most people don’t know the differences and don’t care – witness the high ratings for The Closer, which drops procedural clangers in almost every scene.
‘BOOK ‘EM, DANO’ ~ STEVE MCGARRET

I wanted to grow up to be Jack Lord – well, actually, his Hawaii Five-O detective character, Steve McGarret. He was so cool and clipped – Joe Friday with charisma – and you had to love how that jet black comma of hair always fell so precisely over his forehead. I actually sought out a partner named Danny, just so I could use McGarret’s catchphrase. “Book ‘em, Dano,” I would say in my most sonorous voice. I thought it was hilarious. Needless to say, Danny found himself a less flippant partner real quick.

I guess I’d watched so many ‘70s TV cop shows, I thought you had to have a catch phrase to be a detective.

You don’t.

Unless you’re married. Then, ‘I’m sorry, it’s all my fault,’ works fine.

Come to think of it, I’ve also adopted that catchphrase when trying to explain things to higher ranks on the job.
‘GOTCHA!’ ~ SUPERSTAR

If you can even remember the show Superstar staring Paul Sorvino (where ‘gotcha’ was the main character’s catch phrase – I’m telling you they all had them), you’ve been watching way too many cop shows.

If I yelled out gotcha every time I caught a procedural goof while watching cop shows on TV or reading police procedural novels, I’d be consistantly hoarse. I’d also be a two-faced hypocrite since I gladly and conveniently forget about proper procedures and real life when I’m writing my own books and scripts – it’s story first and reality be damned!

How’s that for a catch phrase?

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