Archive's Greatest Hits - how to emulate The Saint

To celebrate The Archive hitting the magical half a million hits, we are reposting some of the all time most popular articles for new readers who may have missed them. And so here is an article from 2009 that teaches you to be a Saint like character.

A person can be whatever they want to be - that's the philosophy of the Tainted Archive. Reinvention of yourself is easy if you follow a few simple steps. From time to time The Archive will show you how to become someone else, or at least appear to do so. And so in this, the first of an irregular series, The Tainted Archive goes all self help and shows you how to become a man like The Saint at the minimum cost.

1 - Clothes are important as is your style. Never never dress down and always make sure you are at your most impeccable. Even while digging the garden you should wear well pressed trousers and a comfortable shirt. And of course it goes without saying you must be clean shaven and keep  your hair neatly combed with a side parting and slight quiff. These days this can easily and inexpensively be achieved with clothing produced in some sweat shop in a far off country and sold in most major supermarkets. Remember to remove the labels as it looks expensive enough but just be careful of any sudden movements.

Always immaculately dressed.


2-The Saint lives in the most expensive hotels and is a connoisseur of food and wine. Whilst this may prove a little difficult for those of us not on a millionaires budget it can easily be bluffed. Arrange to meet your young lady at the most exclusive hotel in town and get there just before her. Go inside and as soon as you see her enter, yell at one of the hotel staff and storm out, grabbing your young lady by the arm as you do so. Once outside explain that their service is terrible and that you fancy eating downmarket for a change. In order to fake your skill with wines simply swish a mouthful around, roll your eyes and say things like, 'fruity', 'an interesting bouquet, or 'the length is impressive.' Food is much easier - simply order a stake with one sprout and call it something beginning with La followed by something unpronounceable.


3- You must maintain an air of mystery. To truly emulate the Saint you must create an aura of unpredictability around yourself. Always get up and hour or so before your young lady and sneak out, not returning sometimes for weeks on ends. Never say where you've been and always counter questions with other questions such as, 'has a bald oriental man been around looking for me?' or 'Life's too short. Let's go eat oysters and sip bubbly.' Another way to become an enigma is to jump up, asking if it's the police every-time the doorbell rings. When you do this slip a hand into your suit pocket as if you are reaching for a non existent gun. Whilst it is understood that some of these things will be difficult for a married Saint - it can still be done. Simply carry out the steps listed above but prepare yourself for divorce proceedings. Disappearing for weeks on end has been known to annoy certain wives. Sheesh, women - who can understand them!



Carries firearms and is an expert knife thrower.



4- The Saint is well traveled and you must be too, or at least appear to be so. Whenever friends go on holidays ask them to bring you some newspapers back and then when your bringing a babe back to your pad for some saintly loving, you simply place them at strategic points - in the bathroom, on the bedroom floor and always leave one opened to the stocks and shares section in the living room. Also photoshop your image over as many pictures of foreign cities as you can find and place them all in an album. It will also help if you photoshop an halo around your head. Visit the tanning place to work on your tan as you need to keep the hint of a tan the entire year long.



The saint was so superbly capable himself, and so arrogantly confident of his own ability.




5- You will need to always be prepared for sudden action. If you are walking down the street and you see a gang of youths terrorizing someone, don't simply quicken your step and vanish around the next corner (That's for our how to emulate Bob Hope lesson). You must walk up to these youths and give them a jolly good thrashing - always fight like a gentleman and never bite, kick or gouge even if a youth is twisting your tackle and trying to insert a blade into your kidneys. Insist to the youths that it must be a strictly honorable fight. Likewise you must not turn away if you come across a raging house fire with a kitten trapped inside. With no thought for personal safety you must run into the blazing furnace, coughing and spluttering with each step and them emerge, hopefully not too frazzled, with the kitten to the applause of onlookers, but remember adjust your hair before emerging from the inferno as there is never any excuse for bad grooming. The really well prepared Saint will always carry a young kitten in his pocket for such occurrences - this makes it easier as you can simply run into the blazing inferno, count to ten, remove the kitten from your pocket and then emerge, not forgetting to comb your quiff, holding pussy aloft to the same applause.

So there you have it - becoming The Saint is easier than you thought. Simply follow the above steps and you'll have women swooning over you, oriental masterminds trying to kill you and the police on your tail in no time....